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Joke of the Day

"Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?"

"Why does the ocean have water? Because the sky is *blue*"

"*a spider slowly rolls past my house on a tiny skateboard* ""kids, go to the bomb shelter. it seems my past has finally caught up with me"""

"Mother: Fred why did you put a slug in your grandma's bed? Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake."

"What's a pedophile's favorite wing in a children's hospital? ICU"

"What's the only thing worse than asbestos? Asworstos."

"Me: My tarot cards say that you're going to be in pain soon. Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No. *hurls Magic 8 Ball at him* Him: Ouch!"

"1) Print out all your favstar trophies and fold them so they are 2D 2) Put them on your mantle 3) Invite dad over 4) Become favorite son"

"[sex in car] ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching? BF: Yes UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?"

"I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators... All I wanted was to complete the circle of life."