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Joke of the Day

"[sex in car] ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching? BF: Yes UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?"

"Fist bumping high fives since 94'"

"So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don't taste any different."

"I got the job as a psychic! I don't know how."

"Hello. I'm the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you."

"There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version."

"I told my wife I'd like to go travelling. She sent me to the supermarket for eggs."

"Why did the president start the bar fight? So he could pass the bill."

"I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles."

"If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher, where would you hide it?"