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Joke of the Day

"Don't mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back."

"I think I might have a shower. *checks* Yes, I have a shower."

"Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight."

"want a smart girl, a nice girl, a romantic girl. But most importantly, I want these women to never meet."

"Hillary Clinton could be become our first F president. I'd say female, but she lost the email."

"11/10 people don't understand statistics ."

"Where did Jimmy go after the explosion? Everywhere."

"If life was a RPG and inbreeding was a skill set The royal family would be at the top of the tier"

"Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers? They can't even"

"What's the fastest drink in the world ? Sonic the eggnog."