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Joke of the Day

"I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks."

"Whats the difference between Zoidburg and Snowden? both accused of treason for expressing their freedom but Zoidburg didn't get his marshmallows!"

"MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone* JUDGE: he's got a point"

"why can't a bike stand on its own its two tired."

"What is Romeo and Juliet's favorite fruit? Cantaloupe."

"You say tomato, I say that's a weird thing to say for no reason. We were just sitting here quietly, and you're all ""tomato."" You can leave."

"A guy waved at me and ran over the other day... He said ""oh sorry I thought you were someone else!"" I said, ""I am"" -Demetri Martin"

"Was told to fuck bitches and get money. All I got was charged with bestiality"

"What is the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I didn't pay 50 bucks to have a lentil on my face last night."

"A man is in the doctor's office: ""Doctor, can I get AIDS from sitting on a toilet seat?"" ""Well yes, but only if you sit down before the last guy gets up."""