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Joke of the Day

"[me trying to do magic] Is this your card? ""No"" Is THIS your card? ""Not even close"" What about THIS? ""Trent thats literally a piece of ham"""

"today my internet went out for About 3 minutes...... Met my family downstairs. They seem like nice people."

"10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby? Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it's probably to drop off."

"What's the difference between oral and anal sex? One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak."

"It's kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad."

"Daughter just told me my hair looks good. The request for a ride will be coming in less than 10 minutes."

"Ukraine asks Russia to leave... Russia replies, ""Crimea river."""

"In Seattle, there's a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first."

"What's the difference between a Scottish guy and Mick Jagger? One says ""Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"" The other says ""Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"""

"Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don't even think of kissing me unless you're hanging upside down from a building."