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Joke of the Day

"I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like ""Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles."""

"Why did the 280-pound girl marry the 400-pound man? She wanted a big wedding."

"Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they'll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside"

"Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can't handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?"

"My ex girlfriend kept stuffed animals all over her bed. It really killed the mood... ...because she was a taxidermist."

"I organized a threesome this past weekend. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a good time."

"Which two musicians are famous for saying, ""What?"" Lil' Jon and Beethoven."

"You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls."

"I have the head of a German Shepard and the body of a 16 year old boy.... They're both in my car and I want you to see them."

"I wonder if Ninja-Siri wields Cortanas."