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Joke of the Day

"A bee is willing to end it's own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness."

"I'm ABSOLUTELY positive I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber."

"I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black? *doctor sighs for like 3 mins* ""Sir, its an ultrasound"" *Seinfeld bass riff for days*"

"I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them"

"Tower: Lufthansa 893 you're number one check for workers on the taxiway. Pilot: Roger ..... We've checked they're all working."

"One for the science guys: Q) How do you make a hormone? A) Don't pay her!"

"I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a 'cradle robber' cuz he's 18 and I'm 43. Totally ruined our 10th anniversary."

"MUGGER: Empty your pockets! ME: But these are cargo shorts. (45 min later) ME: That's the left one MUGGER: Seriously. ME: I am SO sorry"

"An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze"

"I had to figure out what to do, to avoid a truck that had run a red light ... ... when suddenly I realized why the baseball had been getting bigger."