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Joke of the Day
"Hey are you from Gryfindor? Great. Can I Slytherin?"
Next Joke
"If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it's isn't normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you"
"Me: Why is gay marriage such an issue now-a-days? Friend: Because people are FUCKING ASSHOLES! This can be taken in two ways and both are correct."
"[At a child's birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum] I heard someone likes stuffed animals!"
"Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact."
"""You knew what you were getting into, Charlene"" ""Jim your addiction to long walks on the beach is destroying our marriage"" ""YOU READ MY BIO"""
"Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic."
"Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches."
"What did you get for your birthday? Another year!"
"What stops rape every time? Consent"