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Joke of the Day

"MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city ME: So long, suckers! *hops in city and drives away* MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!"

"My girlfriend left me a roll of quarters for laundry today She told me to try to not blow it all on one load..."

"Did you know that trampolines used to actually be called jumpolines? That is, until 1982 when your mom got on one."

"What's the difference between a gun and a radical feminist? A gun only has one trigger."

"I bet that TV in hell consists only of Progressive and sad animal commercials."

"Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for having sex with the bananas and fruit at the grocery store? He recently got off on appeal."

"""Officer, what can you tell us about the break in at the bakery today?"" ""Man I've seen all kinds of thieves in my career, but this one takes the cake"""

"This morning I jogged for 30 swear words."

"According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats I'm really gonna miss Tumblr."

"Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: ""I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!"""