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Joke of the Day

"If I win Powerball, I'm having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised."

"I am sure that in alcohol are female hormones. When I drink I talk too much and don't know how to drive."

"When writing a resume, it's much more valuable to say you are an expert at ""replicate and repurpose functionality"" than ""copy and paste."""

"Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency! Me: *grabs tools* Neighbor is naked and wet Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?"

"What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? A Hippo is heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter."

"Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby's house elf friends free."

"""I love Justin Bieber"" well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?"

"Santa came last night. Oh god.... it's everywhere :("

"I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies."

"I can point out chicks who say ""vokka"" and ""liberry"" instead of ""vodka"" and ""library"" based on the use of emoticons in their screen name."