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Joke of the Day

"An app.. An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you. -Twitters new slogan"

"What do you call a gay author? ...a fabulous fabulist. Thank you, I'll be here all night."

"I don't pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald's sued me for illegal use of the double arches."

"I spend most of my time waiting for the next big thing to hate."

"Serving weak coffee should be a criminal offense."

"""it looks like one horny mother fucker wrote this"" *holds up torch to read hieroglyphics painted on wall* ""it reads: ""can i fuck a pyramid"""

"What does a sheepdog say when he sees something shady going down? ""Let's get the flock out of here"""

"I'd be calmer defusing a bomb after four Red Bulls than watching someone else use my laptop."

"Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul Me: *thinks back to the time I ""experimented"" in college* I'll take 27 bottles please"

"What's Superman's greatest weakness? Horses"