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Joke of the Day

"I'm sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don't smell good anymore."

"The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me."

"""Wait, it wasn't us? Are you sure?"" - Fox News"

"When is 99 greater than 100? When entered on a microwave."

"Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right? My point is old people shouldn't get to vote"

"So I'm Calling random stores & saying ""Hey It's Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!"".... There's got to be a Michael at one of these places..."

"Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling? Him: Me? No, but thank- Me: Ok just making sure."

"The real reason humans have two hands? Two boobs."

"Did you hear the joke about Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth? I guess I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."

"Although I'm not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I'm not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me."