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Joke of the Day

"Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors? Because they take everything, literally."

"We've all been talking about your paranoia."

"Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I'd also be responding to all texts they receive.They've been well behaved since."

"If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life."

"A lawyer and a catfish What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish."

"[drinks milk from carton] WHY AREN'T YOU USING A GLASS?!? ""I went to the eye doctor"" What does that mean? ""He said I don't need glasses"""

"One time an electrician came home drunk at four o'clock in the morning. ""Wire you insulate?"" his wife scolded. ""Watts it to you?"" he snapped. ""I'm ohm, ain't I?"""

"What does a cat say when you tread on its tail? ME-OW! I am very sorry. Just thought of it and felt like everyone should hear it. Maybe some jokes are better left untold..."

"Do you know what a true competitor is? [NSFW] It's a guy who enters a masturbation contest and comes in first, third and ninth."

"If you're French when you're outside and Dutch in the hallway, what are you when you're in the bathroom? [X-Post r/dadjokes] European. My dad said this one earlier today."