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Joke of the Day

"Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I'd also be responding to all texts they receive.They've been well behaved since."

"Hillary says it's time to have a woman in the Oval Office. Bill says - been there, done that ..."

"Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island Island Man: oh come on not this again"

"I just ate a watch... ... It was time consuming. I'm thinking of going for seconds."

"When you grow up it's like, ok now you can go to bed whenever you want & all you have to trade for it is the ability to ever feel joy again"

"Stephen Hawking finally published his new book. It's about time."

"Recently, 218 Italian MPs signed a bipartisan bill for the legalization of marijuana...[x-post from r/trees] They're basically in joint support, for *joint* support. I'll show myself out."

"Report - Sharks have difficulty finding work 51 weeks every year."

"How did Godzilla get the job opportunity? Some say he had a foot in the door... and the window... and the wall."

"I went for a ride on my Vespa and nearly got hit by a Prius. That would've gone down in history as the gayest wreck EVER."