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Joke of the Day

"A realistic Applebee's commercial would show a collection of recently divorced dads blankly staring at the bar's televisions."

"All phones can be categorized into two groups You have the iPhones, then you have the good phones."

"I believe that old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets covering their legs are actually retired mermaids."

"[First day as hitman] ME: Don't worry boss, I'll deal with him accordionly. BOSS: Wait, you mean accordingly? ME: *hides accordion* yes."

"How can there be self-help 'groups'?"

"How do you get a Cambodian person to join you? Just shout ""Hey, Khmer!"""

"I was at the bank earlier and an elderly lady asked me to check her balance for her I still don't understand why she was mad when I pushed her over"

"Free hugs* * having me let go will cost $10"

"""I'm not washing it, I'm just gonna shove it in a pony."" If you're a girl, that sentence is actually ok."

"3yo: make me oatmeal me: *poof* you're oatmeal 3yo: me: *makes oatmeal"