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Joke of the Day

"Wife: You're so lucky, I'm like a trophy wife! Me: Wow, I'd hate to see what they gave to the second place guy."

"Are you afraid of the dark? Just sing the opening line to ""The Sound of Silence."" Darkness will feel like you're being clingy and leave the room."

"*sees a couple of vacuum cleaners making out* ""Ugh, get a Roomba"""

"i was baptized in a car wash"

"sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world"

"I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't go to the gym with me. We just weren't working out."

"I'd pay someone to push me out of pictures when I'm drunk."

"Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said ""I hear sirens. Jump!"" The second one said ""But we're on the 13th floor!"" The first one screamed back ""This is no time to be superstitious."""

"I think this is a repost. Why did Lady Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seat belt."

"I got my head cut off [removed]"