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Joke of the Day

"Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism? Me: I've been.. Doc: ... Me: ... Doc: ... Me: ... Doc: ... Me: Coffin. Doc: get out"

"*at an AA meeting* ""Hi, I'm Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol."" *gets aggressively escorted out*"

"What is Harrison Ford called when he smokes weed? Han So-high."

"I can explain a paradox They sit right next to each other in the water"

"""We're not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!"" might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs."

"Have you ever tried to do ""The Dolphin"" during sex? It's when you try and stick it in the butt and she shakes her head saying ""eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh""."

"Come on, Grandma! Thank goodness for commas."

"My work email inbox has grown so wild and unruly that everytime I open it, it plays its own 70s porn theme."

"Long distance relationships almost never work out.. Because for example: The distance from Dallas TX to Chicago IL is 967.2 mi. The average penis size is 4 inches."

"iPhone, if you correct ""harass"" to ""caress"" one more time you'll be held responsible for this generation's sex offenders."