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Joke of the Day

"You're ""gluten free?"" How nice. I'm mostly ""money free"" so I can't be so fuckin' picky."

"Twitter has lost 90% of my tweets. Great! Now I've got nothing to show for the last two years. Nothing."

"Did you hear about the man who got AIDS? He was fucked."

"Mommy I got an A ""Mommy! Mommy! I got an A"" says Tommy to his mommy ""So what? You still have cancer!"" says mommy"

"Where does the Little Mermaid shop for her dinglehoppers? At the Hair Cutlery."

"Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her."

"Justin has his Beliebers. 1D have their Directioners. If I ever had fans/stalkers I'd call them Tomaskateers."

"*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs"

"FUN FACT: The Olsen twins were actually triplets but Mary ate her sister Kate in utero and that's why she has two names"

"I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out."