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Joke of the Day

"You should never kiss someone on Jan 1... It is only the first date."

"[PHONE] ""TSA, How can I help you?"" Me: ""Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!"" Agent: ""Umm..."" Me: ""DAMMIT, HE'S STARVING!"""

"This pill bottle says 'Take with plenty of fluids' and 'Don't take with alcohol'. That doesn't even make sense."

"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, feminists can't change anything."

"For date night tonight I'm taking my wife out for a nice dinner at the Sam's Club sample tables."

"Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as ""acts of God."""

"Thought I saw Donald Trump but it was just a pile of distressed leather with a raccoon napping on top of it."

"I heard Chris Brown and Rihanna are back together. I guess she's not a one-hit wonder."

"HER: do u have a condom ME: u bet [whistles] [an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat] H: holy shit M: ya sometimes he brings cats"

"Fastening a pendant around my son's neck before dying for him, ""Keep this always. The audience won't recognize you as an adult without it"""