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Joke of the Day

"It's so insulting when people think they need to explain simple things to me. I mean like, don't consume I'm dumb n shit, you know?"

"The bible says ""Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you"" But I think that's sexual harassment."

"You know you're drunk when... ...you get home, put food in the microwave, and then enter your pin number."

"If you think your days bad... Think of all the shit plumbers have to go through"

"What is the most dishonest fish in the ocean? A lionfish"

"How you turn a washer into a snow blower? Hand her a shovel"

"Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order. Him: Make a will? Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK."

"What's better than winning the Special Olympics? Not being special."

"I sometimes like to close my eyes and imagine a world with no poverty and also that my hand is a woman."

"So I was going down on this chic... So I was going down on this chic the other night, when I tasted horse semen, so I stopped and said, ""Really Gran? That's how you died?"""