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Joke of the Day

"Two monkeys were sitting in a tub. The first one says ""Oooo Oooo Aaaa Aaaa Eeee Eeee!"" The second one says ""Perhaps we should add some cold water."""

"GF: ""you're so childish"" me: ""it's my day too linda"" [we sit in silence] wedding planner: ""so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?"""

"Why can't you keep Jews in jail? They eat lox!"

"Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1000 bones in the human body? Larry: Shhh doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!"

"It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts."

"My son failed gym. But he unlocked every achievement on Left 4 Dead so it's a wash."

"(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see? Patient: A house and Me: Wrong it's Batman. Ok this one? Patient: I se Me: Nope. Batman again."

"I'm never more irritated by fashion than when I'm trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!"

"Do you know where I can buy tickets to the Gun Show? at the Armitorium."

"I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic"