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Joke of the Day

"I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic"

"Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, my thoughts wonder to 1. Who turned the ceiling fan on 2. Why don't I have telekinetic powers"

"*puts on sexy underwear and high heels* *grabs whip* *flicks whip* *searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*"

"When your kid asks you (daddy is it time to go crazy?) you don't know what to say until you wife reply's (idk go ask you dad.) what do you say? My little joke"

"You are the toothpaste to my orange juice."

"I cook with wine sometimes I even add it to the food."

"Me: Whatcha making? Mom: Dill bread. Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough? Mom: Get out."

"Why was the Icelandic football player called into his manager's office? He had a cavity."

"TIL The queen bee has sex with up to 40 males per day. Just like your mom."

"Had a 6"" sammich from subway today, and it totally didn't fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I'm so, so sorry."