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Joke of the Day

"Protip: If you're bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say ""isn't that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?"""

"When you get pulled over by a cop... A cop pulled me over and said ""Papers..."" So I said ""Scissors!"" and drove off ; )"

"Why was the baby elf sad? Because he was Legolas"

"I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money."

"I accidentally mixed up my dads sleeping pills with my Viagra... he says its harder getting to sleep now."

"What did the chill pigeon say? coo. coo."

"my penis was in the Guinness book of world records for some reason the librarian didn't like it and threw me out:("

"Damn Girl, Are You Harambe's Pit? Cause I wanna drop my children in you"

"Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?"

"""nooooooo!!!"" - 20 yr old me seeing how much weed 35 yr old me brushes onto the floor to get ready for company"