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Joke of the Day

"""nooooooo!!!"" - 20 yr old me seeing how much weed 35 yr old me brushes onto the floor to get ready for company"

"Have you heard about the homeless assassin? Well... I don't know anything for sure. But I heard he's a roofless killer!"

"Me:She's better than me. BF:She's not. M:Look at those, they're incredible! BF: M:STOP STARING! -Boyfriend reading other women's tweets"

"Good news! Doctor: I have a really good news for you Mrs Johnson Woman: Well, my name is Ms Johnson Doctor: In that case, I have a really bad news for you Ms Johnson!"

"I was stuck in traffic while on the road in Ireland... Cork was in a bottleneck."

"What do you call a girl in between 2 houses? Alane"

"Knock knock! Who's there? Hamlet. Hamlet, who? I can't decide."

"How does the Addidas executive work through the night? Three lines"

"What happens when Donald gets a boner? A Trup vote."

"Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp? Because he was a cagey bee agent."