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Joke of the Day

"If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins."

"Why do divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat."

"What do you call a faggot with an axe? A Fascist"

"No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs."

"I used to have a car that was made out of wood... The only problem was it woodn't go!"

"I signed up to volunteer at a pro-life bake sale I'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes"

"us teens are tired of being murdered all the time in movies. why not make the next murder victim a chimp in a suit or a plant"

"Beer must contain Estrogen... When I drink enough, I can't drive or shut the hell up."

"Why couldn't the computer play golf?... ...Because it had the wrong Driver"

"[DATE] ME: I'm a literature buff HER: who do you read? ME: read? *cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*"