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Joke of the Day

"My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place."

"What did the mortician say to his new necrophiliac employee? Don't worry, you'll fit right in."

"What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women! *ba dum tssh*"

"BEDSIDE CONFESSION Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time. Julie: ""I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina."" Ted: ""Your breasts aren't bad either."

"3 things you never get back : A word after it's said Time after it's passed Your pen if I really like it"

"I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas."

"[me narrating a documentary about whales] look at these useless fat rubber sea pigs"

"Rating all the Nancy Drew books I've read on Goodreads so it looks like I'm smart or something."

"[ during sex ] Can we make a food baby? I'm hungry."

"What has four hairy legs and sleeps with my sister? My father and I"