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Joke of the Day

"My dad died five years ago but I still see him everywhere I look. Makes me wish I hadn't dismembered him."

"I want to get stoned like I cheated on my Iranian husband."

"Where does a general keep his armies? In his sleevies."

"What did the calf say to the silo? ""Is my fodder in there?"""

"""No more self-deprecating tweets,"" I whisper fatly."

"police codes 472: loitering 213: man with horse eyes 304: gnarly dirtbike 94: breaking & entering 834: dog smoking weed 58: sexy loitering"

"What did one lesbian pirate say to the other? Scissor me timbers. ^^im^fucking^sorry"

"I didn't think housework is a full-time job, so for Thanksgiving my wife served me a raw turkey. Revenge is a dish best served cold."

"The interviewer asked, ""Where do you see yourself in five years?"" The job candidate responded, "" I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."" Use it while you can, people!"

"Before the Facebook, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life."