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Joke of the Day

"It's funny how trusting of bartenders we are. I wouldn't let my life-long best friend hold my credit card for four hours while I was getting bombed."

"[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out] Dammit [bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out] DAMMIT"

"I got together with a pig and... I think she's my Sowmate. ( ^ @ ^ )"

"One vampire to the other : "" Let's go and have a drink.I know a cosy little mortuary just round the corner""!"

"Like The Purge but everyone is tryin to murder Tim Allen & become the next Santa. Pls donate on kickstarter so I can finally feed my family."

"If you're waiting on me to 'get ready' I'm probably just spending 20 minutes trying to get my hoodie strings the same length."

"Why do Christian people suck at Pokemon? They don't believe in evolution"

"Why did the fastest animal on earth got disqualified on the race? Because it is using steroids."

"Being a Miami Heat fan is like high fiving Starbucks employees while the locally owned coffee shop across the street boards up its doors."

"This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'."