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Joke of the Day

"No, I'm not damaging my liver. I'm about to sterilize it using alcohol."

"Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving."

"What is the captain of the starship enterprise's favorite drink? Picardi and coke"

"Sometimes I go days without even thinking about the Alamo."

"12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What's wrong with the one we live in? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son."

"Teacher ""Hi, why are you here?"" Me ""Um, isn't this the beginners' philosophy class?"" Teacher ""Yes and you're off to a really bad start."""

"What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing, because he could never come."

"Whats the difference between a jew and a boyscout? The boyscout comes home from camp"

"what happens when you die? I've seen much scientific and spiritual literature researching and explaining what happens when people die. I've found that generally, they get put in the ground."

"I called a Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims."