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Joke of the Day

"[turns to buddy just before bar fight] ""I'll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja"""

"19 and 20 had a fight. 21."

"RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have! Grandma: You're my least favorite grandchild"

"Are people in culinary school required to do dessertations?"

"Outside of a dog...... Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog well it's just to dark to read."

"They say celebrities die in threes... Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson. Leave it to Billy Mays to throw in the fourth for free."

"Don't bite the hand that feeds. In fact, don't bite anyone's hand you fucking weirdo."

"Did I mention ... I can't believe it's nearly Christmas. I once tried to balance a board on two wheels. Did I mention I make terrible segways?"

"I work as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table."

"Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way."