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Joke of the Day

"At any given moment the urge to sing is just a whim away. A whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away..."

"I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today Atleast I think she was poor. She only had $.75 in her wallet."

"So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back... Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient."

"[hears baby crying in the next room] ""It's ok, I'll go."" [gets in car & goes to a motel]"

"I left my keys on my piano ...That's it."

"My wife once told me that she ingested fecal matter while in the womb I like to give her crap about it."

"Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die You: so you can't watch that YouTube link? Me: I'm saying it's dangerous to even send them"

"What's the difference between 9/11 and Tianjin? I'm only 75% sure Jews did Tianjin"

"The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as ""Meghen"" like I lay eggs or some shit."

"Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* ""sketchy"". Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out."