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Joke of the Day

"Why don't they use Macs/iPads in hospitals? Because using an Apple a day keeps the doctors away."

"Want a pudding pop? I don't give a fuck if you want it or not. Stop crying. You're gonna take this motherfucking pudding pop."

"Why did the painting go to jail? It was framed."

"If there's a pedicure, why are there still pedophiles?"

"When her friend visits, my 2yr old just wants to hug her a lot... & keep her away from the toys. I feel that way about my friends & my vodka"

"I'm up all night to get lucky, My dog that ran away"

"If youre ever cold, stand in a corner. Most corners are 90 degrees."

"Wife: You said you'll keep me as a queen but you make me dig the farm all day. WTF is this about? Husband: Darling you are my Queen of Spades."

"So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit."

"""They are more afraid of you than you are of them."" -people who know even less about me than they do about bears"