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Joke of the Day

"Chuck Norris house trained his dog by 1 roundhouse kick to the face."

"*writes 'amount to something' on bucket list* *crosses it out* *writes 'mount something'* Yeah. That's do-able."

"No, I'm not ""lackadaisical"", I'm lazy, which is the same only 3 whole syllables less."

"The surprise in the Cracker Jacks box is Diabetes."

"Watching the Olympics. Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL! Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty."

"Two muffins are in an oven. The first muffin looks at the other one and say, ""Oh my god we're gonna die in here!"" The other muffin looks back and says, ""Holy Moly! A talking muffin!"""

"If Silver Surfer and Iron man... If Silver Surfer and Iron man began working together, they'd be alloys"

"M: If my chip:salsa ratio isn't perfectly even, I will burn down this restaurant, I swear to God. H: This is our house. M: I SWEAR TO GOD!"

"What do you call a pissed-off Founding Father? A Cranky-Doodle-Dandy!"

"What's white, blue , and red all over? REDdit."