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Joke of the Day

"Watching the Olympics. Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL! Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty."

"[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can't talk. headphones on"

"I would lose weight ... But I hate losing ..."

"What do you call a mathematician who fakes injuries? Fibbinouchie."

"But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more to be the man who walked 1000 miles to get away from you. I want a divorce."

"A mathematician walks into a pizza shop... They request one pie. Upon getting a full pizza, they exclaim, ""You gave me twice as many radians as I asked for!"""

"Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment. We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed."

"Sometimes I gaze upwards at the endless stars that populate the sky and realize how small I truly am. I should get one of those pumps."

"You're on top of Mount Everest. How do you get down? Pluck a duck."

"If you can't walk into your walk in closet, you might just live with your girlfriend."