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Joke of the Day

"Being drunk was nice because it gave me an excuse for why I'm such an asshole."

"I just thought of a really funny joke... but I forgot it."

"My wife cheated on me after I told her about my watchmaker buddy... I guess I should get a big clock, too."

"Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say ""I am beautiful"", which tense is it? Student: Obviously it is the past tense."

"If I ever become a serial killer I am going to dispose of my victim's bodies by throwing them into a bottomless pit It's a floorless plan."

"I put the ""arse"" in ""arsenic"". I also put the ""arsenic"" in your ""morning coffee"". Revenge is best served with a donut."

"Have you decided on dinner? ""Yes, I'll have the chicken, grilled."" Very good. *hears waiter yelling at chicken* WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY"

"This popped into my head when I was half asleep. Figured I'd share. What does a Sparkle magazine model call her g-spot? Her glitterus"

"A buddy had a lawn mower accident and died after getting the ends of his feet cut off. Doctors diagnosed him as lack-toes intolerant"

"Top three perverts that see you when you're sleeping: 1. Santa. 2. God. 3. NSA."