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Joke of the Day

"Top three perverts that see you when you're sleeping: 1. Santa. 2. God. 3. NSA."

"Son, I found some drugs in your backpack ""Dad I swear they're not mine"" DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it"

"Dogs can't operate an MRI machine but... Catscan."

"How do you remember your wedding anniversary? Forget it once."

"Tanning Blondes Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks Are you two sisters? They laughed and replied, No we're not even Catholic."

"TIFU by sitting next to a really hot Thai chick on the bus home today and kept thinking, ""Don't get an erection, don't don't don't..."" But she did."

"Me: Can you bring me a burrito Him: you want me to come over? Me: no. I want a burrito to come over."

"My superpower is making red lights turn green simply by trying to write a tweet."

"I was fired from my job in the pasta factory. I made a fusilli errors."

"So there are these two fish in a tank... One of them says to the other, ""I'll drive, you man the guns""."