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Joke of the Day

"If you're in Los Angeles and lost your wallet near the Starbucks on Melrose I found your wallet but not the $58 inside it."

"i have to wake up at 3 am tomorrow to go to the airport i've honestly never felt more attacked and victimized than i do now"

"Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them."

"There was a fight in the fish n chips shop the other day The fish got battered!"

"'How I Met Your Mother'- is definitely The longest TED talk ever!"

"If I could time travel I'd go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well."

"I walk into the main office of a new school: Secretary: You a sub? *cheeks blush* Me: Who have you been talking to?"

"The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like."

"Every time we disagree she suddenly wants a threesome, saying ""Now you're gonna fuck a nargue with me."" Please help me find a hot nargue."

"Yes, mother, I have gained weight. No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people."