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Joke of the Day

"Whats the greediest nut? a cashjew"

"Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway. Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident. Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!"

"What's the difference between my girlfriend and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when I smack it"

"[landlord walks in apartment] ""I told you no pets!"" That's a stray gerbil. ""And those fish??"" ...stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM"

"My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100.. ..apparently 69 was not the correct answer."

"I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you're chewing gum."

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

"im a proud member of an elitist clique which spawned from the entenmann's bakery product support forums back in the early '00s"

"What is Santa's favourite metal band? Sleigh-er"

"Jesus take the veal take it from my plate cause I can't eat this on my own I let myself go this maybe my last chance in my fight against obesity Jesus take the veal"