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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: Where's the dog? *flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside."

"I'm rich! But not in money, just in read receipts from my ex-boyfriend who never replies!"

"Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving."

"Son, there's only one thing in life to fear. [Car full of bears with machine guns drives by] Son, there are only two things in life to fear."

"The Beatles and Pink Floyd collaborated on an Anti-Semitic song. It was called ""Hey Jew"" ."

"[me as a magician] *pulls rabbit from hat* AUDIENCE: ooOoOo *pulls knife from hat* A: ooOoOo *pulls sautee pan from hat* A: NNOOOOOO"

"What do zero and nil have in common? Absolutely Nothing"

"A gay deer walks out of a bar And says, ""man, I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks!!"""

"They opened the tomb and were all, ""Where'd he go?"" and the angel said, ""He's at IHOP for never-ending pancakes"" and they were like, ""Word."""

"I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him."