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Joke of the Day

"So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I'm listening."

"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his arse."

"I could never eat a vegan burger I don't believe in cannabalism"

"I have just been kidnapped by a fat dude in a red suit, shoved in a bag and taken to the north pole and wrapped up. Who put me on their Christmas list?"

"She was only a gas-welder's daughter ... ... but she had acetylene tips"

"My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me having sex with her dog. I guess I really screwed the pooch on that one."

"u have been sentenced to 99 years in a maximum security prison for taking bites out of a string cheese instead of havin fun and peeling it"

"As I was paying for a 15 year old escort I thought... ...I'm getting a really good deal on this car."

"Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!"

"Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine's Day. When they answer ""dinner"", you should say ""no...after that""."