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Joke of the Day

"4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture! Me: Love it 4: See green M: Yep 4: And blue M: Mmhm 4: And red M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up."

"Just for once I wanna be able to say ""It wasn't my fault"" without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault"

"My New Year's resolution for 2017 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 12 more to go."

"I'm being sued by some atoms I think the court case will go fine, though. The judge knows they make everything up."

"Knock Knock Who's there? Allah Allah who? ALLAHU AKBAR!!!"

"I'm should probably update everyone who wrote ""Have a great summer!"" in my high school yearbook. It was okay."

"What do bostonians call dogs that protect heaven's gates? God dogs"

"Mother's Day is once a year... But Sunday is once a week!"

"What do you call a black guy flying a plane? Pilot, you fucking racist!"

"Everybody who believes in telekinesis raise MY right hand."