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Joke of the Day

"""What's it like being a female comic?"" ""Well, you get asked what it's like being a female comic a lot."""

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"'What other miracles can you do?' Jesus: I can varnish 'You mean vanish?' J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite"
"I came across the most beautiful girl i've ever seen today at the supermarket.. She wasn't the least bit happy, even after I offered to clean it all up and buy her a new top.."
"How do you make a cat woof? soak it in gasoline and light it on fire... WOOF!"
"real men.. [twitches uncontrollably] don't hi- [""real man"" skin suit falls off revealing fake man who was the one doing bad stuff all along]"
"what do you call an alligator in a vest? ... An investigator"
"Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a plane crash. Who survives? Not the joke."
"So I'm not showing up to any Halloween parties this year... I'll be telling everyone I'm Malaysia Airlines Flight 370."
"Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you're donating blood..."
"What's yellow and smells of bananas? Monkey vomit"