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Joke of the Day

"HER: I'm leaving you ME: Is it because I'm too literal? HER: no it's just we're not working out ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*"

"You know when your a procrastinator when... You're"

"I don't understand why everyone is getting so worked up about there being more than 2 genders... There's always been 3 anyways: male, female and wheelchair."

"Why did the little girl bury her flashlight? Her batteries were dead."

"Why did the chemist never say ""NO"" to anything? Because the reaction could be explosive."

"Lorena Bobbitt died :/ Car accident. Some dick cut her off."

"I take a Viagra every night... It stops me from rolling out of bed."

"my drafts folder is a lot like all of my exes. they totally made sense in my head at the time, but now I cringe when I look at them."

"I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat."

"What did Horatio say to the pathological liar in CSI: Miami? Won't get fooled again!"