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Joke of the Day

"My son's taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone's talking about anymore."

"Will I have an open casket at my funeral? Remains to be seen."

"Martin Shkreli in jail: ""Can I have an aspirin?"" Jail: ""Yes. That will be $197,000."""

"""Pikachu, use astonish!"" *Leans into opponent's ear* ""Jet fuel can't melt steel beams."""

"Me: ""I'm looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly."" Ian: ""I'm a medium."" Me: ""I need someone better than that."""

"What goes ""knio knio?"" A backward pig."

"Teacher : Why are you the only child in the classroom today ? Pupil : Because I was the only one who didn't have school dinners yesterday !"

"I spent an hour staring at the OJ container yesterday. It said ""concentrate."""

"If I had 2 fish I would name them 1 and 2 so if 1 died I would still have 2."

"What do you call a Spanish matador who is not very good at his job? I'd say he's fairly incapa**bull**."