7542

Joke of the Day

"[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest... Whoops, wrong thread."

"I recommend all Apple users turn off the iCloud function on their devices... not only are you at risk of your nude photos leaking, but now you're at risk of getting the new U2 album too."

"all pants are breakaway pants if you're angry enough"

"How many jews can u fit in a Volkswagen? 2 in the front, 2 in the back, and about 6 million in the ashtray. .."

"I could tell you a joke about Bill Murray in Japan; it would be lost in translation."

"I was overcharged by a plumber! So, I've been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people. Tomorrow, we're kidnapping his girl."

"Obama could eat children alone under a bridge hunched over like Gollum in a thunder storm and he'd still be better than Bush."

"When one door closes another one opens. ... Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that's how doors work...!!"

"When texting a girl ""will you marry me"" what's the best emoji to use?"

"Everyone's talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying."