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Joke of the Day

"*Boss approaches desk* ""What the fu.."" Me, wearing paper clip necklace - ""See? I knew you'd be mad so I made you one too"""

"Where did the Martian put his teacup? On his flying saucer."

"*Refuses to go to the gym Adds resistance training to workout list."

"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Hippie Barbie ...complete with simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia"

"[guy next to me at urinal] ""Is that a 5 or 6?"" ...about 5-1/2 I guess. ""Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?"" *zips up* No."

"You guys know Chumbawamba broke up because you kept spelling it ""Chumbawumba,"" right?"

"DON'T TOUCH ME! AND YOU'RE BREATHING WRONG! STOP IT! -wives, on their period Or if they're hungry. Or if you are actually breathing wrong."

"I was never a big believer in feng shui, UNTIL I took the urinal off my livingroom wall. It's like freaking magic!"

"SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like- ME: I'D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS SE: -on your sub? ME: PUPPERONI"

"What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys? Coach. What do you call one white guy surrounded by 100 black guys? Warden."