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Joke of the Day

"THERE IS A THIN LINE BETWEEN 911.. AND 9/11"

"What is a Honeymoon salad? Lettuce alone."

"Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you're making this VERY DIFFICULT."

"Never tell a blind Catholic that seeing is is believing..."

"[interviewing for job as assassin] Me: I only have 1 rule Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids Me: huh? No, I just won't work weekends"

"[First Date] Him: Great dress. Me: Oh, this? *flips hair* *twirls* *skirt flares* *foot catches* *face plants* Him: Me: Hey! Come back!"

"Why were 9/11 victims the fastest readers? They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds."

"If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day? November thirst."

"*rings doorbell* hmm... not sure if it rang *waits 2 hours before ringing again so I don't seem impatient*"

"Look, if you can take a smoke break, I should be able to take a twitter break. It's not like one addiction outweighs the other, HR!"