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Joke of the Day

"Just saw that I have one unheard message and I didn't even see my phone ring. I hope it's not: a) Work related b) Mel Gibson"

"Don't cha wish ya girlfriend was a clinically depressed cat owning weirdo like me"

"Wheelchairs A perfect gift for that ""special"" someone."

"It's the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you're hit by a Smart car."

"My bank called me today to alert me my card was used for a gym membership and they doubted it was legit because they see where I go to eat."

"Use chemicals to remove polish nobody bats an eye Use chemicals to remove Polish and you are literally Hitler."

"Donald Trump walks into a Mexican Bar."

"Paid a visit to 'www.conjunctivitis.com' earlier... Believe me, it's a site for sore eyes."

"Asians offer Whites the secret to telling them apart. Whites accept but deliver message to the wrong Asian."

"[first day as tour guide in New York] Me: that's the Statue of Liberty Guy: what is she clutching Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty"