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Joke of the Day

"Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say ""You haven't seen The Wire?"" and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying."

"I just started my career as a shy rapist. It's touch and go."

"Remember--the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality."

"[on first date] Let me get that for you. *holds door open* ""May I help you, sir?"" Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme..."

"What's big, green, fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table."

"If a girl says, ""I hate drama"" there is a 99% chance she is a huge drama queen."

"Man insisted on pumping my gas. Didn't turn into an euphemism until he squirted all over the side of my car & asked if that's how I like it."

"How do make a car top? 'Tep on the brake 'tupid."

"Every day is the first day of the rest of your life. So I live like a newborn, sleepy and confused."

"My friend had all of his guitars stolen, and he's real sad about it. Can't even play the blues anymore."