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Joke of the Day

"[2 Humans who definitely aren't lizard people at Denny's] 1: I sure am glad they don't have newt brain on the menu 2: Right on, fellow human"

"I don't understand... My wife keeps telling me to load the dishwasher... Then she gets mad when I pour her a double..."

"How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, let the bitch do the ironing in the dark."

"What do you call a Mustard that keeps remembering things that haven't happened yet? dijon-vu mustard... (Sorry)"

"What's the connection between the Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper? They both travel around Uranus looking for Klingons."

"What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult."

"Did you hear about the burglar who fell in the cement mixer? Now he's a hardened criminal."

"From Neil Gaiman's ""Sandman"" A woman is crying on the street: ""HELP! I've been reaped!"" ""You mean raped?"" asked a man. ""No! he used a scythe!"""

"What do you call it when you cover your penis in postage stamps? Junk mail. (Credit to one if my FB friends)"

"If you're buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it's probably because he bought is his condoms there too."